Hetalia Randomness
by SatansLollipop
Summary: Here in this book is: -Things you should NOT do -Awesome Pranks -Even more awesome stories -and more funny randomness Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hetalia. It belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya.
1. Chapter 1

Tea? Or 99% Water, 1% Leaves and 100% Cancer

 **Collab writing with RiseThyFrench**

* * *

Never switch England's earl grey tea with America's coffee, or any other drink. Adding sugar, salt or pepper into the tea is also not advised.

Arthur Kirkland, the personification of England, representative of The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, a globally influential centre of finance and culture, birthplace of William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens and hundred of other famous artists, took a big gulp of tea before promptly spitting it all out everywhere.

"Who switched my perfectly wonderful _tea_ with this horrible, vile, disgusting, bloody muck (no offense to coffee-lovers)?" he yelled, his two monstrous (more often than less mistaken for two stray caterpillars) eyebrows waggling on top of his eyes as he yelled.

"What do you mean muck?" cried America, offended "It's a drink fit for heroes, therefore, I AM DE ULTIMATE, LIFE-SAVING HER-"

"Shut it, git." snapped Britain, still upset about his poor tea "I just want to know, WHO DID IT?"

France sat in a tub full of wine in the corner, making bubbles with a straw just as well as his fart. Two toes stuck up from the water and did some gesture that meant "Obviously it was America."

America: Hell no *Pours coffee into france's wine tub.*

Britain: *pours the muck onto America*

America: ARRGGGGHHHHHHH! *pulls out coffee cannon*

France: *Switches to sniper-feet mode* NO ONE RUINS MY WINE WITH SHIT WATER *Raises middle toe*

America: I TOLD YOU IT'S NOT SHIT WATER! *opens fire*

Canada: *Uses mirror*

Coffee: It is very ineffective BECAUSE I'M FUCKING COFFEE! I STAIN MIRRORS!

France: *Shoots america but accidentally mistook a pig as him because they look alike*

Germany: Based on the results of the experiment, I conclude that what America claims to be coffee is 20% water, 80% Shit and 0% Coffee.

Canada: *Canada raises Britain's middle toe*

*Tries to lop of America's head by swinging Britain like a bat*

Britain: BLOODY HELL! *screams while flying through the air horizontally at 100 miles per hours*

France: *Finds a nyan pig*

Pig: OINK OINK MOTHER FUCKER

France: Gorgeous *Rides nyan pig into the sunset*

Russia: *pulls out his majestic magic metal pipe of pain* KOLKOLKOLKOLKOL *Starts tap dancing with it as if it was a cane*

Canada: *swings a poor shrieking Britain around like a whip*

America: *Gets coffee-drunk and tries to flirt with a cup of coffee*

Japan: *Camera On*

Greece: *Realises inner meow meow* Meow *Attempts to eat Turkey (coz cats eat birds) but just started licking him*

Turkey: *Takes a selfie on snapchat and captions it "Random hottie started licking me out of nowhere."*

Germany: *Attempts to play Italy as a guitar while putting him in a headlock*

Prussia: *pours beer onto Austria* I shall cleanse you my child.

*Drops empty beer barrel onto Austria* Sleep my child.

*Slides to Hungary* Angry frying pan lady~

Hungary: *Turns into hulk and pulls out her fabulous frying pan of pancakes and chases after Prussia*

America: *Looks at a coffee cup suggestively*

China: *In a corner making cha shao bao*

Romano and Spain: *Sings* The fat tomato sat on a wall, the fat tomato had a great fall. All of Spain's horses, all roma's men, couldn't put tomato together again. *Both start sobbing and clings to each other*

Italy: *having a siesta while in a headlock (because siestas must be taken regularly even when someone is trying to squeeze your head off) dreaming of replacing every single nation in the world with pasta*

Germany: Based on the results of the experiment, I conclude that the switched content in England's cup is 100% tea and 100% burnt.

Everyone: *Stops*

France: *Rides nyan pig through the window* I'm back~ *Couple hundred nyan pigs following up behind*

* * *

 **And ... done! Hope you liked it. I mean no offense to coffee-lovers, it's just that "** horrible, vile, disgusting, bloody muck" **is most likely what England thinks of America's coffee. I actually like coffee too. I also have no idea how you can communicate with toes, but France obviously somehow can. Pity the poor fat tomato, moral of song: if you are a tomato and very fat, please do not sit on walls since Spanish horses and Romano's men are obviously useless and you will die. Prussia was sooooo drunk and France** _ **might**_ **have been** _ **a bit**_ **high on the pigs. Ah, well. So, off to the next story!**


	2. Chapter 2

Discovery

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America: Look look! I found a new species of caterpillar in England! *Points at caterpillar*

France: Darling, those are his eyebrows.

America: But they're hairy, gross and has legs just like one!

France: Has legs? Ahon hon hon

England's Eyebrows: I'm off to get some more tea. *Grows legs and walks away from England's forehead*

England: Earl Grey please!

* * *

 **Most stories in this book will be collab written by me and my friend RiseThyFrench, her wattpad account name is also "RiseThyFrench" and you should check it out since she has a great sense of humor (even if there is a bit of pervertness and cancer). We will put these stories onto both our books. No offense to the eyebrows...**


	3. Chapter 3

Drinks Part 1

 **Collab writing with RiseThyFrench**

* * *

America burst into the meeting room, completely soaked, a bag of McDonald's in one hand and a cup of steaming coffee in the other. "Has the meeting started already?" he asked. "Of course, you bloody git," snapped England "You're late AGAIN, did you think we would wait for you?"

Fully aware that everyone was staring at him, he brought up a banned subject to take their attention off him. The subject was banned for a reason. But since America was... well... America, he ignored it. Drinks.

America: Sorry dude, but I was late cos I just had to get the best drink in the world! *holds up coffee*

Britain: *steam coming out of butt* WHAT! NO! My Earl Grey tea is the best!

America: Hell no dude! *starts chanting* COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE!

France: *sips wine* Ahon hon hon! No, it is le wine made by the gorgeous me, that is the greatest! Your coffee can easily be mistaken as shit water, you see.

Britain: God! My butt is on fire! *Pours tea on booty, results in more fire*

Russia: *pours vodka on britain*

Britain's butt: KA. BOOM.

Britain: *Is in 10 pieces* Bloody hell, dammit how am I supposed to take a shit now!?

China: *shrugs* You are all so immature, green tea is the best, aru! Right Japan?

France: Oh you and your exquisite leaf water~

Japan: *watching yoai in the corner*

China: GREEN TEA! GREEN TEA! ARRGHHHHUUUUU!

Russia: *Strangles China with vodka because Russian beverages are even stronger than the chinese.* Yoa will be one with me, да(yes)?

China: NOOOOOOOOOO! *throws a wok at Russia* I will call Belarus.

Russia: Ain't a RusChi fan?

China: *takes out phone and dials "Belarus" *

~1.3957 seconds later~

Belarus: RUSSSSIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BABBYYY

America: Oh look its lady gaga!

France:*face palms but forgot is holding wine so he facepalms onto the wine*

Wine: Now's my dear it's not the time to make out.

Russia: *Crawls into panda suit* KOLKOLKOL NO ONE WILL FIND ME NOW

Meanwhile...

Britain: *strangling America*

America: *trying to shave Britain's eyebrows with razor*

Japan: *Camera on*

Greece: Meow *mistakes britain's brow as catnip, because the eyebrows were so afraid of the razor that they turned green and started shaking*

*Chases it*

Britain's eyebrows: *grows legs and runs away*

*Get's a job request from a modelling company*

* * *

 **FINALLY FINISHED! Drinks Part 2 will be out soon and I'd really appreciate reviews or ideas for more randomness.**


	4. Chapter 4

Revenge…

 **Tomatoes-are-life Spain's blog:**

 **Newest post:  
** Hola everyone! Great day! Oh, and btw I am at England's house right now. Hope England's food will be delicious!

 **[Comments:]**

 **Teutonic-the-awesomest:** Vhat?! Vhat ze hell are you doing, eating at England's? Mein gott, that's _suicide_!

 **Reply from Tomatoes-are-life to Teutonic-the-awesomest's comment:**  
Its suicide? France recommended England's food to me. He said it was unique and good. And England seemed delighted I wanted to eat his food.

 **Teutonic-the-awesomest:** ...

* * *

 **Private chat between le-gorgeous-moi and Teutonic-the-awesomest:**

 **Teutonic-the-awesomest:**

Vhat ze hell is vrong vith you Francey-pants? You sent Spain to eat England's food by saying it was good? He going to die!

 **le-gorgeous-moi:**

'e said I was _ugly_! And I didn't say England's food was _good_ , I said it was a _once in a lifetime experience worth dying for_ and that it was...er... _unique_.

 **Teutonic-the-awesomest:**

Worth dying for? He will die from eating it and you know it. And hell yes is it going to be once in a lifetimes experience. Because it will be his last one. Great wording Francey-pants, you just killed our friend. Unique? pfft!

 **le-gorgeous-moi:**

It IS unique! In 'ow it can destroy even the strongest of iron stomachs and lay waste to the most stubborn, insensitive taste buds. In fact, I zink Angleterre could control the whole world by threatening to force feed them his food if they disobey. And you know what ze best part of zis whole plot is?

 **Teutonic-the-awesomest:**

It IS unique, I guess. Vhat?

 **le-gorgeous-moi:**

I'm getting rid of annoying people using my worst enemy. Angleterre will have a fit when 'e finds out 'e's been 'elping me the whole time! Muahahahaha!

 **Teutonic-the-awesomest:**

...you're paying for the funeral.

* * *

 **Back to Spain's blog:**

 **[Other Comments:]**

 **Teutonic-the-awesomest:** It was nice knowing you Spain.

 **This-is-fucking-shit-Romano:** Who's going to pick the tomatoes when you're gone? Bastard.

 **I-am-Germany:** Good luck Spain.

 **Teutonic-the-awesomest:** Bruder, luck can't help him now...

 **Sunflowers-and-Vodka:** We lost a precious person, da?

 **Hasta-la-pasta:** Noooooo! Spain come backkkk! Surrender!

 **[Nine other comments] [Click to see]**

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 **le-gorgeous-moi:** Revenge is sweet...unlike England's cooking...

...Spain has never been seen since.


End file.
